Planetarium - politics/music/culture/smarts

As a small appetizer before the best-of lists roll in, we thought it might be nice to offer a sampling of the year's worst films- the movies of 2005 that made us want to cry. Not from joy, not from sadness, but from the incontrovertible fact that we had two hours of our life stripped away from us by an unqualified pile of steaming dogshit. Again, as always, these highly subjective lists reflect the attitude of the Planetarium offices ALONE, and in no way represent your own highly suspect tastes.

DISCLAIMER: This list is not meant to cover all of the worst of 2005, simply the worst we've seen. In other words, it's usually pretty easy to dodge the biggest turds flying out of Hollywood and aiming for your face. Thus, this list lacks the blatantly obvious "worst films" chart-toppers like Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Elektra, Son of the Mask, and The Pacifier, just to name a few. If you didn't know better than to stay away from these in the first place, then we have pity on your soul. (We would've included Alone in the Dark on that list as well, but we've been assured that Tara Reid's turn as a paleontologist/sexpot librarian is one of the most howlingly funny, so-bad-it's-great roles in quite some time. You heard us: Tara Reid as a sexy paleontologist.)

3. Cry Wolf. Someone should be shot for all the false hype this movie got. Making our top three almost entirely as a result of being a film that in no way shape, or form lived up to its promise and advance word-of-mouth (see: Blair Witch Project). this movie bombed its potential so bad we just had to give it special attention. The tale of three backpackers who get stranded in the Australian outback may be misogynist, but that's not really the point. This movie is the death knell of the recent glut of "grittily realistic" horror films. Essentially snuff films in disguise, these movies do little for anyone except those who really enjoy seeing people get tortured. I guess for those people, this film is probably on their best-of list. Anyhoo.

2. Must Love Dogs. This movie was so bad it gave us stomach cramps. While much of the reason it makes such a high point on our worst list can be attributed to John Cusack's presence (John, oh dear, John: you used to be such a reliable barometer of whether or not a movie would be good. We even forgave that lovable smirk for the yawn that was Identity. But you have become the go-to guy for shitty movies, John, and that is unforgivable. You are officially wiped from the cool board.), even unpleasant dreck like Casanova is at least respectably delivered with a modicum of embarrassment from the performers and director. But this film, from it's opening "We're a big crazy family with inseparable sisters and a man-lovin' gay brother!" to the intended SERIOUS delivery of an Auden poem halfway through, to the paint-by-numbers ending, this film contains the worst of everything about Hollywood movie-making, and is reason alone for Diane Lane's execution when the revolution comes.

1. Fantastic Four. Someday, when I am much older, I will eventually come to the point where I am no longer interested in the world at large. Technology will have long surpassed my ability to comprehend it. Teenagers will frighten me, and I will begin coming up with excuses to never leave my house. I will resent the aches and pains my body causes me, and as a result of forgetfulness I will not keep in contact with the few friends I have remaining. Life will no longer be a place of happiness for me. And when this day comes, when this final moment of true clarity arrives, wherein I can no longer justify my attitude towards the world nor my place in it, I will clean my home one last time, sit down in my den, load a shotgun with a single bullet, place the barrell in my mouth, and splattter my brains all over my prized DVD copy of Fantastic Four.