OWNED!!!
for the geeks...we're trying something new....PICTURES!!!
(the expression on the little dog's face is priceless)
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for the geeks...we're trying something new....PICTURES!!!
(the expression on the little dog's face is priceless)
Can't believe no one's ever sent us this David Hasselhoff video before. It's inspired. Probably by peyote.
So Planetarium gets to the gym tonight, around quarter to 9. Walks up, pulls the handle. It's locked. This doesn't really register. We step back, and take a look at the front of the gym. "OPEN 24 HOURS!" screams the giant aluminum lettering. We step back in, and try the handle again. Still locked. A guy inside sees us, comes to the door, unlocks it, and says "We're closed on Saturdays and Sundays from 8 pm until 8 am the next morning." We point at the BIG FUCKING SIGN THAT SAYS OPEN ALWAYS. He looks at it and says, "yeah, well..." as he slowly closes the door in our face.
We should sue for false advertising.
SO, it's almost the end of February, and all we've managed to get to is our "Worst-of" movie list. Well, suck it up and deal with it, people. You know how difficult it is to come up with witty comments on every form of popular culture in this country and deliver it to your doorstep each day? Answer: VERY difficult. So get off your whiny high horse, and let us take our time putting this shit together. It gives you something to keep looking forward to, alright?!?! Alright then.
(cough cough)
We now return to our regularly scheduled light-hearted entertainment. Say, the whole Indiana Jones 4 thing got us thinking: what do you think the dinner conversation at George Lucas' home sounds like? We think it just might go a little something....a-like this:
George Lucas' Son: Say, Dad, after we finish eating this caviar off the gold plate balanced on the head of our black midget manservant, do you think we could maybe buy the X-Men franchise and turn it into a steaming pile of moose doots?
George Lucas: You got it, son. Just let me swim through this crevasse filled with money to get to the Destructo-Ray, and I'll begin raping the childhoods of a whole new generation of kids!
Ba-DUM-bum. Anyhoo, here's the best singles of the past year. And the only reason Kanye's not on here is because, come ON, dude.
Shakira- "Don't Bother"
She not only writes everything, produces everything, leads her own band with a bravado that would do the Boss proud, but she is a one-woman talent machine who can still shake her booty better than anyone else in pop music. Also, in the video she trashes her boyfriend's car super-righteously.
LCD Soundsystem- "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House"
First time you hear it: over-warmed hipster-disco retread. 2nd time you hear it 'til infinity: Ridiculously catchy anthem that will make you dance wherever you hear it, even, in Planetarium's particularly unfortunate case, the grocery store.
Madonna- "Hung Up"
Hate to break it to you, pal, but no matter how ridiculous Mrs. Someone-Quick-Tell-Her-She's-In-Her-Mid-40s Ritchie gets, she can still kick out the jams. Her best song since "Music".
Kelly Clarkson- "Since U Been Gone"
What's that? You're saying this song came out in 2004? Fuck you. It doesn't get old. Okay, fine: then give it up for "Behind These Hazel Eyes", which also kicks ass and came out THIS year. So there.
Secret Machines- "Nowhere Again"
The "We Didn't Start the Fire" of 2005. But, you know, really good.
Also, every song from the new Fiona Apple is a hit. Just so you know. Which reminds us: The best albums of 2005: coming soon. Hopefully. As long as there's no more griping about it. If you need people who keep their deadlines, then Diablo's your girl.
It's a pretty good list, though color us baffled as to why Paris is only at #25.
We just noticed, while perusing the site, that it appears for some reasons that Sundays and Mondays have become completely anathema to blogging for the past month or so. We promise this will change. After all, Monday is the day when you take a look and catch up on what you missed over the weekend. Bad, bad blogger. Dirty, sinful blogger. As punishment, we will now re-read the Lindsay Lohan interview in the latest issue of Vanity Fair again.
Remember how Tegan and Sara's last record is really, really good? Well, it turns out the one right before it, If It Was You, is totally awesome as well. Great hooks, a little rougher and less-polished, it kicks pretty tough. True, a couple of the slow ones are a little cheesy, but overall, still an 8 out of 10. Go get it.
Coming soon on "The CW": the five crazy drunk women screaming "fuckin' shit!" outside Planetarium's window right now. We think it would make for a great palette cleanser in between Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars.
63 and cloudy. This is the weirdest January ever.
This one looks pretty fun. "Bout time they started following the formula that's been working wonders for the superhero genre: Hire a good indie writer, hire a good indie director, and voila! Your ostensibly rinky-dink b-horror film suddenly gets a hell of a lot better.
So, today over at Ain't It Cool News it was announced by George Lucas that the last Indiana Jones movie will be coming out in 2007, and that Harrison Ford is donning that hat and whip one last time. Now, it only took about three seconds for the talkback forum to start filling up with suggested titles for the new movie, and as the follow list demonstrates, dorks can be pretty entertaining when they put their minds to it (I'm a particularly big fan of the Canasta one):
Indiana Jones and the Earring of Mid-Life Crisis
Indiana Jones and the Man Boobs from Hell
Indiana Jones and the Mystical Walker of Moses
Indiana Jones and the Embarrassment of Erectile Dysfunction...
Raiders of the Social Security Lockbox
Didn't they already MAKE Indy 4? Wasn't it called Bubba Ho-Tep?
Indiana Jones and the Lost Roth IRA Account
click below for loads more...
Indiana Jones and the Ever-Lasting Turn Signal
Indiana Jones and the Left Foot Braking
Raiders of the Lost AARP
Indiana Jones and the Quest for His True Sexuality
Indiana Jones VS A Never Ending Supply Of Nazis
Indiana Jones and the Dead Horse of Beating
Indiana Jones and the Riddle of the Gallstone
Indiana Jones and the Search For a Much Needed Hit
Indiana Jones and the Incredibly Over-Thin Costar of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Retirement Village of High Cholesterol, Osteoporosis, Hemorrhoids, Constipation and Diverticular Disease
Indiana Jones and the Pelvis of Ramses
Indiana Jones and the $12 Check For Christmas
Indiana Jones and the Horn of Mylanta
Indiana Jones VS You Damn Kids Get Off of My Lawn and Pull Up Your Pants!!!!!
Indiana Jones and the Tuesday Night Bridge Game.....OF DOOM
Indiana Jones and the Underage Chat Room
Indiana Jones and the Knights of Canasta
Indiana Jones and the Quest to Get Those Damn Kids to Turn That Music Down!!!
Indiana Jones and the Loss of Dignity
Indiana Jones and the Scowling, Humorless Actor
Indiana Jones and the Jumped Shark
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Dinner Buffet at 4:00 in the Afternoon
Indiana Jones and the Stairlift to Heaven
Indiana Jones and the Leprechaun's Tumor
Indiana Jones and that Smell Inside the Nursing Home
Indiana Jones and the Cyclops Kitten
Indiana Jones and the Driving Slowly with His Blinker On in the Left Lane
Indiana Jones and the I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up!
Indiana Jones and the Apocalyptic Gout
I literally fucking can't get enough of the humorous title ideas referring to Harrison Ford's advancing years
Indiana Jones and the Wrath of Khan
Indiana Jones and the Hey, guys that old don't come off as very believeable in action. Exhibit A: Sean Connery in Entrapment. He was WonderGeezer.
Current Weather: 54 degrees and rainy, with some potent winds.
Translation: your umbrella is useless.
However, it's supposed to get all sunny and nice in the afternoon, so give it up for bizarre January weather. Is Delay in jail yet or what?
Back in Planetarium central offices, fully unpacked, and listening to the new Fiona Apple, which is definitely growing on us, as is the Great American Songbook CD included with the new issue of MOJO that has Springsteen on the cover. Everyone should go out and get it- only 8 bucks for the best boss interview we've ever seen in a magazine as well as a great collection of old story-songs by a variety of masters of the art.
Now that life is settling down once more, those long-heralded lists should be arriving very shortly. Sorry for the delay this year. But seriously, enough with the saucy emails wondering if the lists are made of magic and invisible.
As a small appetizer before the best-of lists roll in, we thought it might be nice to offer a sampling of the year's worst films- the movies of 2005 that made us want to cry. Not from joy, not from sadness, but from the incontrovertible fact that we had two hours of our life stripped away from us by an unqualified pile of steaming dogshit. Again, as always, these highly subjective lists reflect the attitude of the Planetarium offices ALONE, and in no way represent your own highly suspect tastes.
DISCLAIMER: This list is not meant to cover all of the worst of 2005, simply the worst we've seen. In other words, it's usually pretty easy to dodge the biggest turds flying out of Hollywood and aiming for your face. Thus, this list lacks the blatantly obvious "worst films" chart-toppers like Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Elektra, Son of the Mask, and The Pacifier, just to name a few. If you didn't know better than to stay away from these in the first place, then we have pity on your soul. (We would've included Alone in the Dark on that list as well, but we've been assured that Tara Reid's turn as a paleontologist/sexpot librarian is one of the most howlingly funny, so-bad-it's-great roles in quite some time. You heard us: Tara Reid as a sexy paleontologist.)
3. Cry Wolf. Someone should be shot for all the false hype this movie got. Making our top three almost entirely as a result of being a film that in no way shape, or form lived up to its promise and advance word-of-mouth (see: Blair Witch Project). this movie bombed its potential so bad we just had to give it special attention. The tale of three backpackers who get stranded in the Australian outback may be misogynist, but that's not really the point. This movie is the death knell of the recent glut of "grittily realistic" horror films. Essentially snuff films in disguise, these movies do little for anyone except those who really enjoy seeing people get tortured. I guess for those people, this film is probably on their best-of list. Anyhoo.
2. Must Love Dogs. This movie was so bad it gave us stomach cramps. While much of the reason it makes such a high point on our worst list can be attributed to John Cusack's presence (John, oh dear, John: you used to be such a reliable barometer of whether or not a movie would be good. We even forgave that lovable smirk for the yawn that was Identity. But you have become the go-to guy for shitty movies, John, and that is unforgivable. You are officially wiped from the cool board.), even unpleasant dreck like Casanova is at least respectably delivered with a modicum of embarrassment from the performers and director. But this film, from it's opening "We're a big crazy family with inseparable sisters and a man-lovin' gay brother!" to the intended SERIOUS delivery of an Auden poem halfway through, to the paint-by-numbers ending, this film contains the worst of everything about Hollywood movie-making, and is reason alone for Diane Lane's execution when the revolution comes.
1. Fantastic Four. Someday, when I am much older, I will eventually come to the point where I am no longer interested in the world at large. Technology will have long surpassed my ability to comprehend it. Teenagers will frighten me, and I will begin coming up with excuses to never leave my house. I will resent the aches and pains my body causes me, and as a result of forgetfulness I will not keep in contact with the few friends I have remaining. Life will no longer be a place of happiness for me. And when this day comes, when this final moment of true clarity arrives, wherein I can no longer justify my attitude towards the world nor my place in it, I will clean my home one last time, sit down in my den, load a shotgun with a single bullet, place the barrell in my mouth, and splattter my brains all over my prized DVD copy of Fantastic Four.
SO, we've been getting our lists together, starting with the movies, and feeling a little bit unprepared this year, since two of the most contentious films in play (The Chronicles of Narnia and King Kong)has still not been viewed by Planetarium. Oops. We know, we know, we're dropping the ball here. But hopefully the situation will be rectified before we put up the best of 2005 list. After all, even if we end up hating it, you can't really ignore a 200-ton gorilla, can you? Of course you can't.
In other news, the best albums of 2005 is coming together nicely, though it's looking more and more like it might split into a "best songs" and "best albums" dichotomy, which is fine with us.
Oh, we took a chance and saw another episode of "The O.C." the other day. That shit blows.
Good to have the Top Ten Myths About Iraq all gathered in one place for a change.
We're sorry to report that the first theater-going experience of the new year was a bit of a letdown. Wolf Creek, the film that has inexplicably been garnering quite positive reviews from geeks while being panned in the mainstream press, has the dubious distinction of being one of those rare horror films where the clueless big fishes got it right, and the fans wrong. The film fails in the only thing required of horror films: being scary for even a minute. It's grisly, brutal, and realistic. BO-RING! Snuff films masquerading as horror is so five minutes ago dot com.